There was Exit

I was hanging alone,falling from Distance

To a place ,I dint knew

Every thing was moving ,and I had no place to go

World of Sadness,I choose to explore

Wanted to know how dense it can be ,that it dared to break me to this core

Why I was not able to fight ,irrespective of being Right

It was dark steep street

With stinking narrow lanes

Every way I turned,I sawanother huge wall

Darkness literally haunted my soul

My life seemed dead,when I felt salty water over My eye’s edge

Those tears made my way blurred

I slipped,I flipped,,I even crawled

But did not allow me even once to fall

Moving ahead I felt blood less: lonely and lost

I collapsed with Grief

Thatended my peace

Negativity came from back and stabbed my back

But could not destroy strength of my heart

Bythe time I got free from its clutches

Diabolically ,Depression entered

And held my feet

I felt out of the way  and wrong

I couldnot judge ,who  was genuine ,and who was cheating me on

My blues gotdark

My pain was acute

Bad words they spoke ,kept spinning y world

Felt broken down I body ached

Cuffed to a pole ,I tried surging on the path of evil

I  was grisly terrified

“when there was entry, how could be there no exit space”

This thought made me strong,though  i was bleeding but I felt some energy on

Looked around ferociously

And I knew this fact

That I wont give up on my smile

Since no one is worth my precious life

I fought with my inner demons

Though they were quite strong

They tried making me cry

I closed my eye

I could not kill them but wounded them 

Not allowing them to attack me while I was moving on

I am out,the journey was nasty

May  be life takes me there againbut I wil know its not  forever…its not the end….

happiness and Peace  is yet to come …

UNKNOWN FEAR!!!!

The unknown Fear, the deadly silent Scare

Few in light, few in shades and rest unknown

Some unheard shrill voice No let me call it “Drumming Noise’

Walking!!!Yet afraid to fall…oh plz I don’t want to crawl!!

Squinting my eyes, to not to see but

Trails of past …stalking….the gush of dust keep confusing

With provocation of past, scars may bleed again

Sleeping is scary...bad dreams may twirl in...

What’s inside the dark, I can’t see, but can smell the blood

Who is behind the curtain? Staring point blank at me

Who is that man in black? Why his eyes are red and wet? Where his smile is lost?

Tree of tomorrow is unknown,…its leaves are yet to grow!!!

Legs are shaking, dreams are breaking, and hopes are falling

Planning often fails, even goals get changed

Let’s close the eyes,

And I see a demon standing with a dragger

I ask “has the doom’s say “arrived”??

Afraid, yes I am

Yes “stupidity “ “Anger” and ‘Greed “ made their way some how in my life again

Alas!!! I accept the punishment ….. put the Dragger on my head

Separate it from Torso, let the alter be red…blood red….pure …red

I am ready, just one thought…

Once I am dead ……who is next????

         

War with life

What is that, that keep us going??

What is that, that keep us strong?

 How do we all smile? When burden in heart constantly pull us down

Artificial giggling with add on magic of different style…then we all say “I love my life “

At times, dying hopes, with never ending explosion of heart strokes

Pressure from all ends...Trying trying...From all sides

What tomorrow holds, no one knows

Strange blockage comes from most unexpected poles

How do we handle these heart breaks?

How do we handle stress of life ?

What make us that strong….that life and its complication becomes guest of “B town “

Are we actually that strong?

Whether is hike in petrol price or you just spotted your girl friend with your best friend at sea side

The riddle talk of new client or wife demands more time….

The frown, the sighs ….empty heart make more noise

Only questions and realizations..No solutions, no answers,

Every thing moves on…yes...it moves on

We all   get tired .then  ...we sit. And .we crib

but then stand …. And say   life “shoot “we too are ready to fire!!!!

                                 Completely not connecting -NO LOGIC NO SENESE

                                 

I meet new ppl, who are good and interesting, but I am so damn stubborn in my heart that if they are over caring I find them boring and if they show attitude I find them rude  . The Exit gets easy, if you know the other person doesn’t want you to stay. Who the hell want to live in past ,but its not always what we want ,its more of what it is,  Does any one know the medicine to get out of past,i need to know all the why 's of my life ....it helps me solve the puzzle easily ,i am well aware of the fact that even if by magic wand i take all the people back to same place and time ,they wont be behaving same ,what they i wont be behaving same ,nothing is left ,and who knows i am the first person to say nahhh its better now...at times it looks like my zidd to myself cauz i never bother anyone else ,new people know me so much different then old ,and which version is true even i dont know 

                                                       I am diseased now I am convinced , bcz though I terribly want ,but I m not able to stop roaming in past lanes  and this frustrates me further ,how can u walk when you know there is no end to it ,and you wont get anything  ….this is not done ,I am being unfair to me   it feels so bad to c ppl who were walking with me have gone far ahead ,and I m still in nothing ,lost all I gathered , in one go. I don’t cry anymore once more I m hurt  again I smile as if I knew that’s goanna happen  , I know it all ,still finally a girl wud remain girl .i know many girls of my kind they just don’t express ,and I am born expressive cant help it ,if I m not wrong ,I m not afraid ,today my lines are not making sense even to me ,they are not connecting ,but coming from heart, so  I am  just writing down ,I know the fact ,accepted the fact ,moved on to but what stop me is- not being with u is fine ,but being  with someone else hurts ,and I go to wicked mode .ghost of past disturbs my future ..my delustional world needs to be locked up . i am so different with different people ,my reactions are so differnt sifferent time,

                                    My carrier, my confidence,my abilities  all needs to be brushed up ,I have to make a start ,its getting late .i am bored of same names ,same games and same pain,oh plz I wish it was that simple ,I am happy about my life the way it is ,but when someone tries to fast forward it I get afraid , I am afraid of tomorrow ,I can take care of now .i hate being supported ,I never needed any shoulder to cry ,when I am strong I am ,and when go emotional I drown,when it comes to give support I can give it to anyone ,when it is about taking support I don’t believe anyone ,I don’t think anyone can understand my position and my mind ,people genralise when they support,I am not common ,I am  different ,I am unfair ,I am special,I cant harm u but I might think bad about you .Thats me I can reject you,but I wont take rejection from you ,,....atleast i have guts to say what i feel ......i am modest not diplomat and above all i love what  i am truly ...no regrets ......4 what isaid what did ,it was meant to be ,i have power to face reality ,being fake is what irritetes me ,if you arebad its ok but if you are fake i m unsure how rude i can be,.......at times you trust some one so much that even their misdeeds which u can see clearly ,u tend to avoid like kahekahe vishwaas itna jyada hota hai ke shaq ke liye jagah he nahe bante ,i just ignore to hear what i dont like ...letthe hell it be reality i dont care ...

I am not into it, but it is into me

It’s like many offer letter in hand but no appointment letter, lolzzz 

May be some karmic reasons but since last ten years I had been deep neck submerged in this culture ,I don’t even know when and how I slipped and have stated considering me part of it .

On a Whole I am not die hard fan of Bengali culture ,but at times its not about liking or disliking something at the end it’s about Habit ,its about being use to its about knowing about it ..

The Big Red round Bindi, broad red border cotton saree big and beautiful eyes ,with sharp mind ,and yes the thick red sindoor again adds to beauty of those newly wed married women and crazy evolved ,extrovert and feminist girls ,mostly talented too,

In most of the families atleast one person is good in  one of the following,singing,dancing,musical instrument or some other thing related to cultural aspect..

During  Durga puja ambience of city changes magically the air carries an incense ,a purity and refreshes the mind ..those small small rituals ,like puspanjali,half day fast (coutsey miss Arpita)and many more,all women  decked up as if walking on ramp instead of Pandal ,loud and expressive

 The beautiful mesmerizing and wonderful idols all over the country.They are famous for skilled and traditional way in which they are created .The basic rule to be followed is that everything to be used should come from sacred water body .The clay artisian  work hard for severel month to create the wonderful idols and images of godess durga at the festival time .The bamboo sticka are used to make internal structure of idol and provides it a basic shape .Then the structure is made using straw and jute ropes and strings to keep it in place ,

most of the mothers busy in match making ,and checking out girls and boys ,

The special taste of that Prasad called BHOG –amazing khichri and other dishes,I just loved it ,admirable idol of durga ji and other gods standing with her, there is some story why other god are there …I was told by Partho’s mom but in bengoli so I hardly understood though he translated later . ,That dance with fire in hand ,some orchestra playing bengoli music and few fat women dancing as if lost completely !!!

That shanti jal to be sprinkled in house at night after the visarjan is done , Since last two years I got chance to be at visarjan  , holi kinda thing which surprised me as I was wearing new white suit ,and I dint like people throwing colours at me ,in fact water not even colours !!!Then when thedurga ji’s  idol is being submerged it is said that its lucky to have some thing from godess ,I was given  that chakra which durga jee was holding ,and I was happy to have that,it was emotional but I had no clue why???

Lot of other things I had been part of poila baisakh-bengla new year ,because of the advertising back ground I have made lot of print ads for it and have also spend extra working hour for  the gate design at pandal along with hoarding and banner ,so lot of research was done  ..Then     Laxmi Puja after Diwali night I guess !!!

OOOhhh everything appears so close and so distant at same time, few cultural classy nights,

When I was living it I wasn’t too comfortable but this year I am gonna miss it.

Once Upon a time I hated Calcutta like anything for some personal reasons I wanted it to disappear from India’s map but not now ,because now I wanna face everything that once scared me or  made me upset ,now I wanna see that peaceful sea ,without waves ,I wanna walk in those narrow lanes even if it is dirty or smalls fish ,because even I dint realize …when  did I get use to that smell which once irritated me enough to vomit .

Some small rules which I often broke –like No rice eating  on bed ,and few more  wud edit when I recollect ,that potato wafer sabjee –known as chichudee,That reminds me of sudip’s nani as she was the one who made me eat it first time,That kali dal aunty makes ( i mean arpita’s mom and she  looks awe sum beautiful  dignified women  without a tinge of makeup  ) .without much specific reason I had been close to it and so close that I almost forgot there is diference between being close and being part of it..

The language I understand well,but never ever tried speaking sometime hated sometime loved but was in it always .The Particular essence of house  Lil boring non spicy food too which now I m use to and even started relishing that ,what once I called –weird combo –Rice with boiled kacha papita mixed with mustard oil n salt …then rice with salad (no idea what was that some uncooked  beans and vegetables ) and above all THE GREEN TEA ,

Its not about one person affect ,I have lived with this culture for almost ten years since I met my neighbours then friends then few acquaintances, most of my colleagues …that’s why I say some karmic thing ,I have seen observed and silently learned ,the food habits and the taste bud,tea with very less milk ( I was shocked to see partho using two spoon of milk for two cup of tea )and then I am an expert in makig tea with less milk , but I loved brunch of ohh !!calcutta at Nehru place

Arpita ,Raja,simple (sorry arpu don’t kill me for writing ur name next to mr 404 but I was going in sequence  ) sanchita,sudeep,devraj,silky ,priya,chetan ,amit any many more last one partho . and now the lil one’s ayan,mini ,anu ,aparna

they all contributed to my knowledge and made me very much part of it ,I have learned a lot while their conversation with each other and ignoring me completely …few  dialogues which were constantly repeated – aami chatee jaachi , tumi amar kotha keno bojho na. by Raja ..then tumi casual howa kobe bondo korbe life e  by partho , abar tumi eshe gacho, aar ki chai?  by devraj ......ami pore phone korbo ekhun ektu buzy achi….tui .kothay,aadike bosh …e.t.c few of the lines I m used too …or I was use too …..finally  aami aktu aktu bangle jane 

      People often get confused with my name that I am bengoli ,and few by face though I personally don’t feel by looks i any how  can be confused as that.what ever it is but its close to me ,and I am close to it ….

Emotionalism is no crime :)

P.S- This is for all those who thinks  being emotional is  silly and out of fashion in todays world.Being practical is what takes you to top .I  disagree ,because I love my tears  along with my smile ….and its your feeling and emotion only which gives you reason to be human ,,proud to be emotional girl   .

Have you?????

Did you ever experience, someone’s palm on your forhead, while you are in mid of sleep?

Did you ever come across a bright morning when with your half opened eyes you see a smiling face lovingly looking at you?

Did you feel the warmth in your heart when you get your morning tea in bed?

Do you know the joy of holding hand secretly??

Do you know all your worries can come to an end just by a real tight hug?

Do you know some sweet nothing whispering  can makes your day?

Have you ever experienced surprise kiss in mid of serious discussion,

At times someone’s presence is just enough to give adequate strength ,to fight out odds of life,

Have you ever stopped and slowed down your walk, to walk with some one who was walking behind you since long ?

Did you ever think of giving back that “priceless gift “of true feelings that u kept getting from people who really loved you?

If you don’t experience pain, you can never know joy of smile

There is no fun in being” Emotionally unavailable “

Add caption

Friends –stop giving wrong advice

HE  IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU !!!

Friends –stop giving wrong advice J

Say it straight-“He is not into you “

We girls never forget the first guy we liked; even though he treated   us back like shit…this is how it happened …when our small Angel was sitting and looking lovingly at him playing football , suddenly the foot ball came flying and hit at angel’s  head  ,kicked of course by the same guy she was looking at ….when the bond  came rushing in for asking her ball back, with absolute no sorry expression ,my  angel almost  forgot  her pain  ,!!!Dude came with an attitude, gives angel a stern look and shouts “why are u sitting here u weird looking dumb girl!”Go away or I will beat you!!!eeh .and push the angel harshly   on ground !!!ohhh the poor angel cries loud and walk out of park where she bumps into    a teenager girl ,because usually someone is there to offer words of wisdom ,,she   wiped    her tears heard her  whole story .and then the  cute question “why did he do that????” the poor angel asked sobbing, she spoke   babes “ its because he likes you ,you should be happy because the guy  came towards you , at least this incident  initiated conversation between you two ,isn’t you should be thanking god !!!!              That little boy is doing those terrible things. Because he's got a crush on you.

Ohh yes “Thank you di”I never knew this works this ways, holding her head but smiling broad she goes back to park and continue looking lovingly J

And that’s the beginning of our problems..

Xxxxx

                                  

                         The angel now grows up to a girl in “high school “ …he is my best friend ,I copy home work for him ,help him pack his bag , when  I don’t have an extra pen still I give him my pen, whisper the answer when teacher ask any question to  him in class but he asked “Riya”for the prom night, not me !!! ….in her lunch break shared with her class mate, who gave her a tissue and said  “     here is the problem he likes you too much babes you should be patient ..He is not realizing his love for you, trust me he would come back cant you see how dependant is he on you” and the girl is happy again, you are right I was so foolish to loose hope, thanks  a ton giving her a chocolate my girl was about to eat .gets up swinging in air and thinking in heart I will make you more dependable on me (p.s in short I will be your maid )

                                                    Xxxxx

                                                    Time passes ….the girl who is a young Lady now. After her first date walks out of the coffee house …calls her roommate “hey how was it”roomy asks.

 The lady continues With excitement in her voice “he was quite charming I guess he liked me too “  how do you know ???The roomy ask again, silly he said it was nice meeting you “it means Na he likes me!!The roomy nods yes I guess so!!!to avoid further conversation as his boyfriend was on other line, lady comes back home singing “truly madly deeply in loveeeeeeeeee  ,I m sure he is goona call me…the night passed…the morning too….ups its afternoon ,next evening ….again night no call ….i guess there is some network problem ,after every ten minutes she picks up her cell to check but no result found .               

                       !! !! next day with a gloomy face in  college  ….singing may be it was love ,but its over now …the girl in next bay hey why are you sad ?u came after date na? Wasn’t he good???

Lady cuts in no no no no no no n on no  he was too good, he even liked me ,gave me hug also when we parted, but he dint call me back …with a cute  expression the girl in next seat  says …ohhh !!!Just this come on, he might have lost your number, or may be he is sacked from his work,or could be his grand ma expired ,or any thing ….may be he got bumped by a car !!!Don’t worry he wud call you back… I guess you are right. I am too foolish to be so negative soon. Lets get back to project , I will get you coffee and she moves on to coffee machine,

Next two days passed that guy dint call back: the college friend cant see sad face of my girl  so here comes the next advice .

“who says ,it’s a guy who is supposed to call ,even girls can do that, stop waiting. Take the lead call him .i m sure he wud love it” lady raises his head from the  desk with swollen eyes ,I guess you are right ,I should have done this before ..Wait I will get some muffins for both of us from canteen and then i would call him.

After munching muffins, lady leaves a msg on his phone box “hey hi,how are u ??Thought to call you, it was very nice meeting you, you. Too said that, so lets have more nice time, waiting to hear from you byeee take care and yes its me …call back “..Again two days passed no call back .

.the roomy wanted some private time with her boyfriend alone so she suggests “to know about him why don’t you go to same pub where he told you he goes often”

Jumping out of bed  lady says -Ohhh that’s so sweet of you to enlighten me on this ,sorry dear you have to be alone for sometime since I am going ..Should I get you some thing??? pastries would do thanks roomy gives a smirk .and shouts  ask ppl around about him they must be knowing ……sure honey the lady waves her hand and goes out ….and thinks how concerned my roomy is.

                                 Oh roomy was so right “he is there but wait he is with some other girl, who she could be??? may be a friend, I should walk by he would definitely say hi,  Ohh !!!!he dint say ,so what let me drop hi , hey how come here !!!

Lady spoke with lot of trials to envibe surprise in her voice, the guy answers hi, yeah today we are celebrating..My love said yes to marry me!!!Meet her.

Xxxxx

                                                           The pretty lady is a women now joined as HR in reputated  IT Firm .  The new Manager is hot ans so sweet !! she mumbled while Getting out of his cabin After explaining his responsibility with lot of joy In heart she  sits on her desk pushesthechairback in relaxing mode turn the speaker on with …………then  opening up the excel sheet, checks the details of new manger .hmm all perfect ..seems to be well behaved educated guy .a beap on her blackberry ,WHATTT ??? god u r so kind finally you are there to help me ,Manager has send me friend request on Fb..I thinks something has strike, like love at first sight.!!Hmm I should go and ask him if he is comfortable or not …and help him around ,and that’s what she did .needless to say what all . did he ask you out ??lady’s colleague asked?nopes she nooded,donnt worry ‘’He is not asking you out because he is just intidimated by your professional success…

After few months sharing her heart out with colleague After a client  meeting  “  see he is sending me all signals but just doesn’t say it straight –he has send me request on fb,he wished me on my birthday, we chat on yahoo. he compliments me I look nice. what else it shows he is interested in me ,isn’t it ???what should I do now I m confused, The colleague replies after deap thinking  “ if a guy acts like a total jerk that means he likes you, I feel he is a shy guy he is afraid to express his love for you .might be he had some bad experience in his past relationship ,so u make an excuse and try to spend some private time with him ,make him comfortable ,might be then he speak his heart out”

Wow excellent idea!!!i will invite him for dinner .

On dinner  –the manager initiates the conversation ‘I am so happy that a girl like you is there in my life, it feels nice to be with people who are beautiful in and out. Lady blushes and talk in her heart, the colleague was so right he is opening up!!!  And says my pleasure .

Manager-if you don’t mind can I ask you something???Who is that guy with whom u have your pic in FB …??

YIPEE!!!He is getting possessive. Sign of love. The lady smiles and says .he is my cousin.

Ok, the manger looks straight in lady’s eye and say since we are so close now I want to tell you something I had been holding in my heart so long ….

Finally!!! go on I m hearing it .lady says slightly turning pink

I am in love. with your cousin ..can you fix up a date with him. I am a gay. just had a break up a year ago ,I got life back since saw that pic of yours with your cousin.

Manager was blocked from her  Face book forever.

Xxxxx

                                                         Lady is women now .married ummm happily married…..writing  her Diary : my husband is damn good ,responsible and love me loads ..only problem is he doesn’t have much time for me he is too busy with his work…friends ….parents …socially …but I understand .he is very good by heart ,just doesn’t understand me at times and fights for no fault of mine, humiliates me publicly but he loves me I am sure about this ….Never mind. We respect each others space. But I get board in my space time. :( anyway that’s my problem not his .One day I saw some messages on his phone which were suggesting he was Wooing some girl., and I also noticed he is too much on phone with some girl  I told about this to my neighbour , she said  ohh these are husbands trick  he is just trying to make you jealous ,show as if you don’t care and it doesn’t affect you. “  I did,but actually it was affecting me.at times I am too stupid,I shouldtrust my husband

                                           . Then I found that when he was out on weekend saying it’s a official tour with his boss, I found his boss with his wife in super market, oh I thought it might be a similar face and I am mistaken but that similar identity waved their hand and greeted me and further asked where was my husband???...When I told my sister about it she advice me  “oh come on may be you are getting extra demanding wife ,don’t try and control him, it might offend him “ point taken .i am quiet .the doorbell rang he is here I should shower extra love today to revive our marriage thought  Women, opened the door gave him warm long hug and offered coffee ,made his favorite dinner…”.darling lets talk it has been long time.” She said  looking down the husband said yes .i too wanna say something….Women held  his hand and ensured him that no matter what she would always be there….

‘ I slept with some one “husband said .

Silence with loudest noise in  her heart

She remembered advice by her Mother  “in such situation don’t be hyper ,settle down ,support your husband he might have been victim  of  situation or some wicked girl,he might be  wrong but he would realize and get back to you” tied by habits …she says ,we should talk about it in detail…

Husband-don’t you want to Divorce me?

Women –means???

Husband-I just thought, after hearing this would leave me.

Women-is that what you want…..

Husband-no…yes… no I mean..Yes…I mean i m guilt but I love her..

Xxxxx

Why do we say these stuffs to each other is it possible that we are too scared to say obvious truth, How toWe are all programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk that means he likes you.  and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope. ..

Certain things should be taken at face value

1.       If a guy doesn’t notice you, its because for him you are  NOT SPECIAL

2.       If  a guy is depending on you may be he trust you, like you, respect you, not necessarily love you

3.       If a guy is not calling you, it’s just because he doesn’t want to….

4.       If the guy is sweet to you ,before making presumptions check may be he is sweet to all …that’s his 

na    nature, not your good looks that made him sweet exclusively for you.

5.       If some one has to return back to your life he will make his ways anyhow, you don’t have to make the route for him.

6.       There is nothing known as good by heart, if person is not behaving well, what would you do of his heart

.

7.       There is nothing like he is not realizing now…he loves you he would realize later and come back, even if he comes back might be the other girl kicked on him out and you are the foolish savior and recent only option left

8.       Don’t let yourself be treated like shit ,stop being maid  and be used for your silly feelings .write guy would come in your life without all this .and even if he doesn’t come .life is beautiful .trust me without them.

9.      Have the courage to say. what is wrong is wrong……don’t cover up.

10.    stop chasing .

11.   stop assuming why he is not behaving as u want him to

12.   he is with some other girl ,you can see it, don’t fool yourself that he is trying to make you jealous .he is  just  NOT INTO YOU

 If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what... That’s true.

let him go!!!!

.