BEYOND LOGICS !!!!!!!!!!!

                                                  Certain things are beyond logic

There is no explanation why certain Feelings en vibe in our heart ,no one can answer nor itcan be controlled..so why try ???certain things should be accepted as they are !!!!

There are lot of may be and and may not be "s, but who cares ..this is my delusionary world i created and i control , i am happy ! super happy there ....i donn wanna know what is real what is fake ..i pick what i like and ignore what i dislike and anything that has lil possibilty of making me sad...i prefer not to know ..

Seeing someone sleeping ,looking at those closed pair of eyes ,child like inocence on face,tightly closed lips ,holding my one finger in closed fist !!!felt like seeing it constantly little more longer without moving an inch as it could have disturbed the sleep .there was warmth in my heart after long ,a crave to hug sleeping baby but that would also have disturbed ..and i dint want it at any cost...

watching without being caught !!!then a blush automatically came which is hardly visble now to me even in me ,nothing makes me blush ,i choose not to reveal this "surprise guest" and hide my face by pillow and close my eyes tight !!!dont want to share anything its between me n my heart no one else. ....surprisingly realized in those thirty minutes how those artificial layers unwrapped itself that i covered on me and tried to become what i was originally not i tried stopping but failed .

There are certain divine bondings even at times one sided but they are beautiful!! its always more beautiful to feel love 4 someone rather then being loved by someone .only there you feel like giving without expecting any thing back ,pour out ur best and believe me there is no pretendance ,it comes out naturally ,with very sweet pain its wrong to call it platonic but calling it other way round would also not be correct ..so let it remain unnamed .....

Women are specially Blessesed with special sense to sense the feeling of other person by a mere touch,may be a hug ,handshake or just a finger touch by mistake ...a small touch says a lot ,now this depends individually whether women accept it or not as we often tend to believe what we want ..



The touch dint say much ,but thankfully it wasnt silent too!!!! ...and whatever it said was special .....

at times bonding are stronger then relationships



Nothing affects me ANYMORE will be a lie ,

it affects and would always affect ,and this affect is special to me as ,it doesnt cause any harm to any one ...its strictly mine wont even share it anyone ..not even u .

i thought my heart is empty devoid of feelings !!!!!!!!but i am happy to realize i am not yet HEARTLESS (as i thought ).....its very much there !!!

Tumhe bhi yaad nahe ,hum bhe bhool gaye ,wo lamhe kitne hassen thei ,magar fizool gaye !!!!!!!!!

New Girl in the old cityyy!!!!!!!!!!!

Folding hands looking at horizon where sea n sky meets

The thought of being in that city scares me ?terrifies me ?nopes not exactly but  it fills me with a shiver ,little depressing mode ,it reminds me of  of  my success ,my failures ,my dreams that I accomplished and then  I lost ,its not easy to face your failures ,

                             It all started from there –Delhi, since my childhood this place was always on my head ,no other city attracted me ever ,nothing crossed my mind except me being there living my independent life ,the city  welcomed  me well ,hugged me warmly

those big beautiful flyovers,grand  buildings,different ring tones in air,slangs –abuses,pda young crowd, all excited me to full it made me feel very near to my dream, so half of the credit goes to my Destiny and other half to my incompetence in differentiating between real practical  life and my dream  world  ,I screwed it , screwed it big time I realize its wrong to blame the city  ,but a usual habit of blaming someone else for my own failure, I have a kind of love –hate relationship with Delhi ..It really made all my dreams come true, professionally, personally, socially  but ruined up at last its true every one cant carry success !!!May be I was one of those  unfortunate everyone .

Those initial days long travel hours, struggle to get  in those crowded suffocating buses ,plucked earphone in ear ,fingers playing with mobile and mind scattering old memories ,at times knitting the dreams of future ,doing SWOT analysis ,dreaming to have perfect life ,forgetting there is nothing known as perfect ,less money more expenses ,lil inferiority complex from colleagues who were not from small town like us ,craze for mac d and haldiram ,the excitement of first dream job, getting all what you need for your ego Pamper  ,the priority ,importance, the  appreciation the encouragement being famous for good ,and yes promotion  and appraisal in your initial days who wont get crazy ??getting  selected in all the ad agency I never ever imagined ,the first step in Cheil(Samsung in- house ad agency) was with little proud.

The first client meeting, successful presentation, pitching, reckee at sitarganj , shoots ,getting those gulabari animatics done ,voiceover and scrtunising (at very initial level ) those plastic women commonly known as models ...what not the excitement was on full brim the craze to do it all ,craze to stay at top ,

Evening with friends talking ,discussing, arguing on accounts  ,strategies ,ads ,campaigns criticizing boss , ego wars of servicing and creative ,but finally laughing out loud on some funny joke or leg pulling each other ,gyans from devraj ,fighting for franky and eggs ,working late nights in ccd for freelancing work(for which dat bugger never payed), and sipping uncountable coffees ,on weekends outing at saket ,or shopping at lajpat ,or dinner at south x and sometimes after 25th of each month we were left with less money so i and Tanu use to make lame execuses- trying to avoid going outdue to financial pressure  ,but still unable to convince our frns  ,we  had  to see right side of menu card to order what we wanna eat (seeing the lowest rate )and looking at each others eye,NOW WHAT !! and tanu cursing me under breath for being easily convinced for going out ha ha ha hilarious  .

the comfortable ,non-interfering  friends those candid talks covering all” starting from work to pranks ".those night outs ,those small secret trips (JAIPUR the place of birth between tanu and amit 's love ,courtesy devraj and Amita he he he ) confessions with friends,promise of being in touch forever !!!!and pooling money at times even on treat  (remember amit !!!!ur treat on u and tanu being a couple and the unexpected bill ha ha ha) mine  unforgettable moments

After all this reaching home late with amita facing those jams and crowd with risk taking rani lakshmi bai (amita)   and planning to make khichree or settling with maggi  with a promise in heart  to come home early next day for better meal (which hardly happened)and then sleeping like dead

It was beautiful..i wanted it to stay the way it was !!

But all good things come to an end as they say good things come with an expiry date

Life mounts you to hill of happiness and slides you down with no warning

Probably before giving you real big jerk life pampers you to maximum, you go on swinging to ur glory without realizing the fatal law of gravity when you fall down every thing falls on you

The Sbi ATM  at New Delhi Station those initial confusing moments ,hurried decisions special perfume in that red swift ,those loving eyes as if only waiting for me that gear in the car ,which changed my life ,long drives,long conversations,long planning,long confusions,wrong perceptions,….wrong moves and the downfall starts that was swinging low and I cudnt balance well for long so fell down on ground bleeding to hell..its a very difficult experience to walk alone in those lanes where u have walked with some one special,to see those shops where u have shopped like crazy with  ,to go 4 those restaurants sitting where u have planned a lot and even waiters know what you are going to order  ,facing those traffic jam which made u late before date , then suddenly realise no one is waiting for you now !!!those issues which are no more rel vent  to both of u,that bacardi blast party  ,Times of india food fest ,MACHHAN at Taj maansingh ,barcos,fu yian ,that bald waiter and pandara road ,meeting few common faces who carry sarcastic smile ,few roads some streets and lanes few songs certain kind of weather ,its not easy to feel someone who was always there is no where !!!!

 it all collapsed my personal life my professional life ,my social life …

It was the same city who gave me all what I loved and then snatched it back …those places, those memories make me weak, make me feel like a looser ….

Delhi love you.but cant fight those moments ,you made me strong but in process I lost a lot .you would always remain special .:)thanks 4 everything !!!!

this city for sure makes you think where you were and where you are !!!be cautious and your failure is yours have a heart to accept it ,passing the bucket can only console u ,but wont take u anywhere !!!!

Talk with the moon

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Its a subtle weather ,wind is touching my face gently ,disturbing my hair ,the sound of small bells in my duppata is  sounding like windchime and distubing my peaceful late evening ,all this is giving me good feel

 ,but suddenly something happens dark night (though it looks always beautiful and mystic to me ,)sudenlly push me to melanchony mood ,i dont know why and how ,i came happy but how it dragged me where i dint intend to be ..

i am neither happy nor said ,just little serious ,some serious thought process goes on and on and on with no logical connections,thinking about someone not neccesarily mean u miss that name ,i think aboout nothing and at the same time everything , world- weariness,a pessimistic sense of inadequacy, a lot done ,and a more lot not done,unfulfliied promises , unspoken words ,some guilt ,few unanswered questions, some  W questions of my life, few names ….at times few things bring out old memories ,few words bring forward some old incidents ,constant fight with my own conscious ,it gets very difficult when u cant convince yourself ..none of us can go back but I want to still my life rite here nothing more I want ,nothing I wanna loose

                              Eyes get wet ,heart gets heavy and I cry my heart out ..not angry from anyone not even sad but still it feels good. After I cry. I feel fresh rejunivated,strong enough 4 rest of storms of life .i look at moon and feel   with a smile you have seen all,my ups –downs, laughter-cries ,smiles –tears  ,me seeing dreams and then me seeing it broken I  strangely never loose hope still sit to  knit my dream ,silly jilly me !!!but I cant change !!I am not that what it looks like ,something somewhere deap down is broken ..i dont even know what it is

My obsession 4 certain things ,irrespective of write or wrong ..i don’t disturb any one ,I don’t harm anyone then whats wrong in my obsession ,in that makes me happy without hurting anyone let me be obsessed !!!let me be crazy my things would never harm anyone else ...moon looks at me but never say anything.....i wait...asks atleat tell me my answers ,i hate to be lost ...suddenly it rains ..i cry more loud ,more tears flow .....i feel better i end up smiling once again ..told u silly me !!!! good night wanna sleep tight with no dreams !!!and moon continues to look at me while i close my eyes  pretens i have slept actually  with half closed eye i try to see..is moon still watching me :)

THE MEN'S WORLD

UNFAIR

In this men’s world

Where do u go how do u go??

If u do what he ask u

then U are suppose  to do,nothing great u hav done

If u don’t do what he askedu to do

then You are careless

 If  u don’t respond to his feelings

You are heartless

if he doesn’t respond 2 ur felling he is angry

If he doesn’t understand u ,u are complexed

If you don’t understand him ,u r insensitive

If he shout

You must have done something wrong

If  u shout

You are eccentric

 Till everything is fine,u r good

 Lil things get upset ur bitch

In actual men’s world it is so difficult

 If u don’t do anything

U don’t care about relation

 If he doesn’t care to do anything

He is sick n tired of u….

 If u go leaving him,u must have found someone else

IF he goes ,he cant tolerate u anymore

 If u find someone else,you are flirt

If he find someone else…u were not perfect….

 Funny and sad at one time…

                                        The Devil…….

                                                               

Morality is not practical,it’s a gesture.a complicated gesture learned from books,its bad to lie but who doesn’t??? Only frequency varies,

Shocked I am but can”t deny the facts ,the change of thought process, I had  recently undergone ,how unfair of me it was to categorize people as good or bad ,it was damn easy infarct interesting to comment bad and badmouth people on basis of their few act. with flow of time ,as life has its own typical style to teach –when my own set of special  people (very special very close)got unfortunately indulged in what I wud have called  wrong otherwise ,I instead of speaking bad about them preferred an escape route and invented two new terms” Human Psychology” and” Situations” and helped myself in giving explanation why they did so ,

. i m quoting one old incident of my life “ once my close frns boyfrn broke off with her  after  he moved out of city saying distance love is not possible, at that time we made him villain and spoke all nonsense about him being infidel and all soon some years passed by we finished out college and moved out of city 4 job  I still hated that guy 4 breaking my friend heart , then one fine day another female friend of mine broke off her 6 year relationship with his boyfrn on account of job pressure n distance she was not able to maintain the expectations  being in  relationship after the change of city ,she told me its not working, distance love is not possible, lines were similar ,but I found logic in whatever she said ,and just that moment I apologized in my heart 4 all what bad I spoke about that x boyfriend of my childhood friend .cauz I cud actually connect ..and understand at times things go beyond right or wrong known as practicality .

 Sooner or later lot of dark shades of life came in my life some my experiences some of my friends and acquaintances. Things which I only read in novels or saw in movies I had to see in real life, I kept fighting...how to be good and right …but never found any answer ,lot of questions in my mind raised which I cud never answer. I saw good and innocent people turning dark, and I couldn’t stop..

 A new thing exposed FEELINGS which no ways can be classified as good or bad, feeling are feelings, Damn stubborn, all right, wrong, moral, immoral takes backseat automatically with this stubborn female called feelings

 Strong desire to be liked ,loved ,admired ,that hunger of importance attention, lust of power money or fame often  has the power to take any one of us on the wrong side ,and unfortunately its not false ,it happens strong character and ability to control is must but each one of us have it differently ..these things give birth to devil inside us ,the feeling of jealous, dislike ,wickedness, mean attitude, selfishness  keeps on nurturing the devil ..if it gets strong it makes you wrong ..and nothing can endure..

So that wicked devil is there we cant do anything about it, but surely should try not to make it strong ..

Life is complicated and I really have many questions in mind, all I have seen, realized and felt bad was my good people turned dark….!!!!,And seeing them, as majority wins we made those  thing as normal…

Well I wanted to write something else and ended up wid completely different context all I know is now, I know no body is good or bad. What matters is this fact whether the devil in him is weak or strong at that particular moment and then big question is “.is devil a devil now or its commonly accepted as a normality “ I truly have no clue…

Sleepless nights

Night is a time ...which make you alone ..or rather more with yourself,u cant lie u cant give execuses as if u had been caught red handed by your own conscious,i feel guit of doing lot of things and at the same time guilt of not doing lot of things...past is gone..but effect remains ..it comes out in darkness,it scares me ,it makes me culprit just refuses tolisten to my side of story. i need crowd ,when i m alone ,bad memories surround me and those dark cloud makes me shake with fear...that lonilness ,that guilt kills me .

i cant sleep ,some back ground pics keep floating in front of my eyes..those screams ,houling ,crying echoes loudly,those blames ,accuses personifies it self.and telll me u r bad ,u r wicked...i try to save my self but i dont know why i give up...???what i got what i lost ,i was not in sane mind to evaluate ,but..all i know the effect wud take long to go,pain is miserable ,cant explain.....

i go back to those arguments ,those fights then start evaluating was i always wrong and he right???

standing in rain drenched up full,i want to wash out those memories...but they mange to stay..and disturb me as they get opportunity.....enoughi cant handle more...i feel like getting locked in a dark room funny but i wanna dance ,cry out loud,shout scream,spin around ,shed my disappointments

Those undone crimes,Those stolen smile,Those complains

Those disasters,Those sad moments,those acute pain..

I will shed off everything in that room



Ahhh I will feel light!!!

I will be all right

I will be if not full of life then @ atleast would be empty to take what life offers



I am sure Dawn would knock my door.whole night there will be rain which will bloat my tears

I will be out with purity back,my lost innocence would be regaines…..but till then this weight on my soul ,doesnt let me sleep.......

at this dark night I feel alone,Wanna be alone

Don’t want to face anyone,Don’t want to talk to anyone

I get lost,I don’t know the way

I am sad......Realizing I m bad

Don’t know why...Don’t know where,sine when

No hope just fear

Tears a lot

Crying,sulking in heart

my world is spinning round but widout any base....



Why so negativity,why so disgust

Why life is puzzled

Why so many why???????????????/