BAD GIRL

BAD GIRL

(Shhhhhh!!!Talk of few candid girls direct from heart)

FROM THE WRITTER’S DESK- Do you think girls are scared to express what they want, no they are not they can confidently tell you on your face what they feel about you, Yes we girls are like that ,we change all our rules with open heart for one person and just be opposite for the other, With our wish we decide what has to be done ,even if we regret that later ,we take the responsibility ,we love ,we hate, we play, we cry, we sigh!!

We go illogical, at times we don’t make sense in what we do ,we are confused we are fickle we at times go wrong, we pass through various ups and downs, we are hurt deep down so we hurt back too in our style ,some time we don’t like you and we have no reasons for it!!

Sometime we say NO when it’s YES in our heart

This write up is based on my observation and conversation with girl of today –they are modern but they are girls, confessions and heart to heart talks..See which line relates your story

Hey !!!some one is acting like a bitch!!!!!

Why am I flirting???i am letting people love me when I have no intention of loving them back ,I am intentionally talking with boys who are interested in me just to hear my praise and feel how wanted I am..,that was never me ,am I discovering new face of mine !!!or its just the frustration of not being able to get attention of person I wanted,am I giving pain to others? Does it anyhow sooth my pain?does it make me feel better ,does it heal my wounds???it just gives momentary wicked smile !and a thought now you know what pain I go through!!i know its wrong

Though its over long time backwhy do I try and find out looking in your  eyes whether you love me or not

I don’t post status to have 15 ppl likes and 10 comments ,I want you to read it

The moment I open my social networking site I just check your name in notifications,

If I am good,the best girl you met .with no tantrums and pure heart,who even fits in your family well why can’t you marry me or rather just love me enough..

Whattt –your mom doesn’t approve for me,o do you really do all what your mom approves,I wonder she likes her son to bea chain smoker …you have not left cigerate for your mom but you left me for her

After each meeting with you I regret I met you and even showed you wat I havefor you,not even sure next time when you text me saying I wanna see you,would I be able to say  NO

When I love you with all your faults ,I love you knowing u can never fulfill my expectations

Why cant you???

Why is love so strange phenomenon why don’t we fall in love with what is good and accessible to us ,who is dying to hold our hands ,instead we prefer running after some one who doesn’t even care to look back and see ,you are still there or not,why do we complicate our life ourself?

Logically I can never blame you for anything that went wrong in my life but actually you were the prime reason  for all my wrong and haste decisions  ,at times to make you jealous or to check your reactions I altered my life’

I post my pics on facebook to show you I am happy without you too,why are you so important to me when Its not vice versa,

When I am past to you why are you present to me !

One day you would regret,one day you would miss one day you would cry one day you would realize

For all the HOTTIES  and Beauties of world  cant make you feel special the way I do

Today for you your independence,your freedom matters ,tomorrow you might be empty hand

You found out my fault to get an escape route okk reality you know best !!You called me infidel when I was just trying to make you jealous and feel I matter to you ..but you went away with loads of said and unsaid blames and accuses..reality was U WANTED TO GO!!!!

PEOPLE GO RELATIONSHIP ENDS BUT HABIT REMAINS !!!!

I am bored of being sigle now yes it was me to whom that relationship looked suffocating few months back and I badly wanted to come out of it, yes its damn heartless of me that I don’t remember or miss anything about him though I shared so many heart touching emotional moments and real intense relationship ,its bitchy on my part to miss the attention and importance I was enjoying not the person

I miss those morning wake up sms,that right to call on yourcell without looking at watch,I miss someone holding my hand while walking in crowd ,I iss that protective feel which I had when I was with you I miss thoselong whole night chats (I know it made me feel sleepy when we use to have it)but the moment I think ofgetting in relationship  those24 hours reporting starts suffocating me ,those W questions ,those forcible change of priority scares me and request me to pull back my step ..the moment I remember Those phone calls after every half an hour I realize how wonderful space I am enjoying now I don’t need to keep my mobile with me 24 hours and then at the endof world YOU CANT HAVE IT A LL  wanna be commited but don’t want to be strangled in that commitment ,I don’t believe anything is permanent even feelings change with time (though 4 u my feelings remained same unfortunately I know dan you don’t deseve it)

I want love back inmy life but I just don’t want to be loved I want to feel the same feeling with equal intensity ,wanna have beautiful relationship nota ego based fighting ground want to be with some one who makes me a better human being ..beautiful and dignified women with deapth and consistency who could bring out that feminine part of me ,seriously it happens when you are in love it reflects on your face I want to change my favourite one liner ,love happens only once rest all are versions ..i want this version to be my life  forever  J

“You are Good girl, Great human being and innocent soul..”.she lived up hearing all this since  her childhood, when she didn’t even knew meaning of these words properly, but it always made her feel good  and she started considering herself as queen of goodness ,and behaving the same !!!!Time passed, she grew up, situations changed, people around changed, their mentality changed surroundings changed she too changed but her perception about herself remained UNCHANGED,"i am very good girl" this continued but reality strikes dreams the coin of hope fouls.....some time later few strange kind of feelings  popped up in her heart  at times she felt selfish,selfcentered,egotist,mean,jealous ,evil back bitted (but never Backstabbing)inconsisitency,she was surprised arre!!!!everyone says I am a good girl how come evil dwell in me ,but by closing your eyes you cant stop what’s happening around you, those feelings remained there and continued to grow ,she preferred believing they don’t exist ,and was happy I n her world of BEING GOOD

People pointed her about her other side too, she dint pointblank refused to accept it but reluctantly kept it, but her believe was so firm that nothing could shake that,

Its not so that she never accepted what she did wrong ,she did but it has always been difficult process but at the same time she never blamed others for what went wrong in her relationship with them, she  always looked what I could have done to better it,(that’s how good girl thinks rite J)

Its damn difficult to make someone understand you easier process is you understand them and make life simple, following this life philosophy she almost lost what was her own opinion, her likes, her dislikes, her preference, she became like who so ever she is with..Just to be GOOD..so that ppl should like her ..

She was feeling good for being called good, but something in her was diminishing gradually, she was trying to make every one happy around but it never happened ..Probably now she knows that it never Happens,every time some or the other got angry from her and she was all set to woe that person up, who so ever she/he is and explaining and promising to take care of it next time but that was impractical …..she still tried ,tried and tried and failed& collapsed  got in foul mood and badly upset she cried terribly on her failure….it was she  who made people expect so much from her now why to feel bad if same people reciprocated badly when their expectations were not fulfilled, she got tired, felt  harassed, and kind of cheated …same people who called her Good now named her Selfish,Wicked,Dual faced, pretender bla bla bla…it was too hurting to take so to make them change their opinion she once again got back to stubborn attitude of proving all of them wrong and prove back she is good and would remain ….in process of proving this she went out of the way and crossed all her limits had been truly harsh to herself ,but when when she could please one, other got annoyed, she was turning dark and wasn’t able to handle this darkness

Time Passed her tears too got dried, heavy heart got light, one fine day while watering her plants she thought what went wrong????Where is that good girl, where is that good human being, where Is that  purity of heart and finally is there any innocence left??what a great loss,how it collapsed,was I at fault,something in her answered “YES” because the moment you decided to keep up this compliment of being good you ran without thinking  after it blindly …You are a normal human being like any other you too have a heart ,and like others you too have natural evil feelings  at times ,its normal .

Instead of lying to yourself work upon that evil part, if one hurt himself/herself to make others happy its unfair and injustice. If you are not happy you can never make others happy and those who love you would automatically get happy seeing you smiling, and for rest its not worth, there is nothing wrong in being selfish..provided you are not harming anyone.

There is nothing wrong in expecting back for what you give, it’s perfectly normal if you want your credit of doing something…

And  People being good doesn’t mean some one is fool ,and you can take advantage of it ,its just a gesture that ,person cares for you …so stop acting wicked and respect HER for her goodness.

One day you’re gonna want her. That girl that knew she wasn’t perfect, but tried to be for you. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you, and loving you was the only way she could. The girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths. That girl who still can’t bring herself to hate you, even though sometimes you probably deserve it. The girl that should have you, but doesn’t.”— 

"Onwards mercians Onwards "

 Our Father ,Who art in heaven "    

                                                                         “Something clicked!!!! School assembly with the boring quair????no no I have no intention to take you there -in front of that tall corridor on ground floor with a newly built stage in corner  where we have stood   years  in line ,at times proving I have turned tall so deserve to stand at back ,and reality was standing at back was more fun ,as u enjoy the gossip there more easily ,comments of guys over principal or some teacher was better heard there …so here it started our day ….then check out who has come in class and whose absence is going to matter to us, Zero period time 4 sports, but most of average student like me, utilized it in copying homework..and then my super favorite PT period ,where I haven’t seen anyone  ever doing PT (even when we are younger )we again sat  gossip and saw ppl playing basket ball  cricket or football , commenting on who did what ?who proposed whom,?who rejected whose proposal ?whose skirt is actually short??the latest fling ,the recent ditch ,the change of crush, yes the recent movie ,and at certain dangerous times THE TEST MARKS …which use to turn us white with fear ,question in mind “wud she(teacher) read the marks or just give away papers with that disgusting expression ,four columns in copy where we useto compare marks who scored highest in group ,and honestly in maths paper It was just the passing marks I alwaz prayed …….

                                                          As we grew topic of conversation changed ,observation also changed ,and with Tv serials like “school days  ”  “Just Mohabbat “and “hip hip hurray” ,expectations also changed !!!!!sudenly after our first  boards when we all met for class eleventh most of the girls style changed ,either it was change of hair style or eyebrows done ,or some or the other thing but we realized we grew up .. teachers also treated us lil better during those golden 11th n 12th days .

At times I go to pick my mom from her School (she is a teacher in Virendra swaroop )while waiting for her to come I saw  hoards of school dressed bees coming out with different expressions on face ,each face reminded me of some one from our batch ..Expression of winning, loosing, crying, sobbing, smiling, shy, naughty, fight, hurt, revenge ,jealus ,possessive,selfish ,happy ,sad,trust me each expression was practically visible on each face..Each one thinks themselves to be mature then ever before ,

                                        I still remember it looked so pathetic to get up early take cold water bath, arrange 4 bag, and polish shoe, and in the way while cycling just remember ohh!!i forgot to bring my register, or homework is not done, then pray for absence of particular teacher so that one free period can be managed ,eating lunch before intervel, was a religion ,Falguni Pathak songs ,having one weak infatuations then accepting its not love ,fights for seat, writing name on blackboard ,and I a m sure that compass action from jo jeeta wahe sikander “chahe tum kuch na kaho “ was in mind of all at one or the other point of time ,During Winters whenever we drank water from the tap water use to flow out from our Blazers  it was damn yucky ,and then the real pain ,taking out your bicycle from that place ufff !!!!!i always had to take favor and request someone to do it

                                                                               The fear of not being selected in particular dance!!! ,ohh gawd I cried hours for it ,and I am sure many others girls accompanied me in sobbing and blaming dance teacher of partiality J what were the tension issues- “she is not talking to me ,he doesn’t even give me a look ,my marks are less, I stammered while reading ,e,t.c so much we had to talk ,just waited desperately for teacherto move out ofclass so that we can utilize  those fraction of seconds ,having an affair is bad ,those who are like that stay away from them teachers and parents taught ,ok accepted but god knows why forbidden fruit are so sweet ,all our interest was in  knowing whats happning between them ,who z dating whom and then with round table conference betting would they stay together ?????that was the future planning we were doing 4 others ….so many love stories ,one sided, two sided, triangular ….and few friendships based on mutual interstate be close to one u want be friend to her friend funda J

                           Liking someone is bad that parents and teachers dint say, so most of us did that (see we were so obedient)we liked some or the other who was whose crush was still a secret ,(truth and dare game came later on )A was crush of B ,,B LIKED C ,C liked  D ,and D LIKED B and this strange cross crushes continued no one spoke so crushes got crashed !!!!!few songs and guys playing table on table specially that holy song , ”millennium guys u Rocked “Sports captain with that stern look “Punnet Bindra “-angry young man ,Few famous dancers like  Rajat ,Gaurav ,Ravi  e.t.c some beautiful girls who at times made us uncomfortable ,remember that match between 11th and 12th (when we were in 11th) and we won,12th girls cried .and we were mad and dancing like we won world cup !!!!!!in 9th there was a night camp arranged by peter sir ,few of us were there ….that visit to old house that made most of us sentimental and emotional ,Fight with U P Kirana ,mowgali water park fun lot many to talk

Butterflies in stomach ,loss of earth ,Goosebumps at someone’s sight ,justa pass by meant a lot during those tender years …just a mere wish to talk with some one but cud never dare .First crushes are first we all know how they are !! , ups lots of secret being reveled today but its fun ,isn’t it ?????

                                         By the end of the day loose tie,socks gone down ,shirts out sweating we got back home wishing to be out of this cage one day and now we are and ironically we miss that cage .We all had different plans ,different ambitions ,but life had its own plan and finally it made us do what fate decided and we are happy Thanks to facebook that ,the introvert Shy Girl whose presence or absence was not much noticed is taking u back to those forgotten lanes ..and I am sure you are loving it and wanna add much more …to it

Changes and Replacements !!!!!

                                                                                                      Nothing is as it was 

My most proud possession was my ROOM

My  same room where a lot has changed , but it still gives me same warm feeling , during my 11th standard  getting my room was big deal  and a big dream come true!!!!i loved it and sharing it with my lil one was also not much problem …now there are no more shahrukh posters ….The cot near the window from where I looked at  rain and stared at  endless  stars  is replaced by bed …..Diaries slam books  and my color pens  under the thin  old mattress   has also vanished …bcz the desk top has quite replaced  writing with  pen ,those small –small teddies are also not here ..Cards I have put back to bag in alma rah …yes the songs are still same but mode has changed from radio to computer, the Audio cassette  shelf is filled with Sydney Sheldon, Jackie Collinis ,Robin Crook   novels ,Landline phn on the window shelf is missed!!!!am I too old fashioned ?the big mirror  which I see most when I cry remains there ….that chart which defined rules to enter my room was torn when I started breaking my own rules ..

                                                         Lying on that cot I have gone through various emotions, I laughed like mad with my frns  I cried, alone,i studied with amita,,may be with time I develop  my attachment with this bed also but for now I  miss my  uncomfortable cot

Remember  there was  a time  when expressing feelings was   damn tough .saying  I love you  took years  to come out of mouth  and now I love u is like thank you ..It comes so naturally to us, how fast things are loosing the real worth …..And similarly the taste of it too is not as sweet as it use to be ,

Words like sweetheart, honey, darling are they any how exceptional, don’t we say to anyone and everyone …why things are getting so common and easy going they are loosing their charm..i call sweetheart even to my best friend as well as my face book frn with whom I hardly even exchanged looks  during long ten years in school but now we comment on each other status lovingly ,I don’t say its bad .this sweetness is good ,but isn’t it too artificial ???and has short life ?do you get same warmth when u hug  with broad smile without any actual feeling in heart ……getting good in copy was an event to be celebrated by an ice-cream with papa   and now  appraisal in salary is backed by frustration  of increasing petrol rates no time to celebrate ..Where are those small –little happiness vanished???at times as a punishment we were made to stand out side class and our secret prayer use to be least ppl should see us …we looked down and at times the embarrassing  scolding from teacher brought tears ..and now  one lecture from  boss and we curse under breath or wait 4 our  chance to hit back even if fault lies with us and we know it…reality is missing ,purity is lost ,even the word seems to perish soon …

                                                                   Birth day treats at Mickey shop –those patties and Pepsi –I wonder what was special in them??Why we all loved it so much...Cycle-scoot y-car –language in driving seat changed …changes are not always good but essential for survival …lot Of things have changed but still the impact of what it was wud always remain ...