Completely not connecting -NO LOGIC NO SENESE

                                 

I meet new ppl, who are good and interesting, but I am so damn stubborn in my heart that if they are over caring I find them boring and if they show attitude I find them rude  . The Exit gets easy, if you know the other person doesn’t want you to stay. Who the hell want to live in past ,but its not always what we want ,its more of what it is,  Does any one know the medicine to get out of past,i need to know all the why 's of my life ....it helps me solve the puzzle easily ,i am well aware of the fact that even if by magic wand i take all the people back to same place and time ,they wont be behaving same ,what they i wont be behaving same ,nothing is left ,and who knows i am the first person to say nahhh its better now...at times it looks like my zidd to myself cauz i never bother anyone else ,new people know me so much different then old ,and which version is true even i dont know 

                                                       I am diseased now I am convinced , bcz though I terribly want ,but I m not able to stop roaming in past lanes  and this frustrates me further ,how can u walk when you know there is no end to it ,and you wont get anything  ….this is not done ,I am being unfair to me   it feels so bad to c ppl who were walking with me have gone far ahead ,and I m still in nothing ,lost all I gathered , in one go. I don’t cry anymore once more I m hurt  again I smile as if I knew that’s goanna happen  , I know it all ,still finally a girl wud remain girl .i know many girls of my kind they just don’t express ,and I am born expressive cant help it ,if I m not wrong ,I m not afraid ,today my lines are not making sense even to me ,they are not connecting ,but coming from heart, so  I am  just writing down ,I know the fact ,accepted the fact ,moved on to but what stop me is- not being with u is fine ,but being  with someone else hurts ,and I go to wicked mode .ghost of past disturbs my future ..my delustional world needs to be locked up . i am so different with different people ,my reactions are so differnt sifferent time,

                                    My carrier, my confidence,my abilities  all needs to be brushed up ,I have to make a start ,its getting late .i am bored of same names ,same games and same pain,oh plz I wish it was that simple ,I am happy about my life the way it is ,but when someone tries to fast forward it I get afraid , I am afraid of tomorrow ,I can take care of now .i hate being supported ,I never needed any shoulder to cry ,when I am strong I am ,and when go emotional I drown,when it comes to give support I can give it to anyone ,when it is about taking support I don’t believe anyone ,I don’t think anyone can understand my position and my mind ,people genralise when they support,I am not common ,I am  different ,I am unfair ,I am special,I cant harm u but I might think bad about you .Thats me I can reject you,but I wont take rejection from you ,,....atleast i have guts to say what i feel ......i am modest not diplomat and above all i love what  i am truly ...no regrets ......4 what isaid what did ,it was meant to be ,i have power to face reality ,being fake is what irritetes me ,if you arebad its ok but if you are fake i m unsure how rude i can be,.......at times you trust some one so much that even their misdeeds which u can see clearly ,u tend to avoid like kahekahe vishwaas itna jyada hota hai ke shaq ke liye jagah he nahe bante ,i just ignore to hear what i dont like ...letthe hell it be reality i dont care ...

I am not into it, but it is into me

It’s like many offer letter in hand but no appointment letter, lolzzz 

May be some karmic reasons but since last ten years I had been deep neck submerged in this culture ,I don’t even know when and how I slipped and have stated considering me part of it .

On a Whole I am not die hard fan of Bengali culture ,but at times its not about liking or disliking something at the end it’s about Habit ,its about being use to its about knowing about it ..

The Big Red round Bindi, broad red border cotton saree big and beautiful eyes ,with sharp mind ,and yes the thick red sindoor again adds to beauty of those newly wed married women and crazy evolved ,extrovert and feminist girls ,mostly talented too,

In most of the families atleast one person is good in  one of the following,singing,dancing,musical instrument or some other thing related to cultural aspect..

During  Durga puja ambience of city changes magically the air carries an incense ,a purity and refreshes the mind ..those small small rituals ,like puspanjali,half day fast (coutsey miss Arpita)and many more,all women  decked up as if walking on ramp instead of Pandal ,loud and expressive

 The beautiful mesmerizing and wonderful idols all over the country.They are famous for skilled and traditional way in which they are created .The basic rule to be followed is that everything to be used should come from sacred water body .The clay artisian  work hard for severel month to create the wonderful idols and images of godess durga at the festival time .The bamboo sticka are used to make internal structure of idol and provides it a basic shape .Then the structure is made using straw and jute ropes and strings to keep it in place ,

most of the mothers busy in match making ,and checking out girls and boys ,

The special taste of that Prasad called BHOG –amazing khichri and other dishes,I just loved it ,admirable idol of durga ji and other gods standing with her, there is some story why other god are there …I was told by Partho’s mom but in bengoli so I hardly understood though he translated later . ,That dance with fire in hand ,some orchestra playing bengoli music and few fat women dancing as if lost completely !!!

That shanti jal to be sprinkled in house at night after the visarjan is done , Since last two years I got chance to be at visarjan  , holi kinda thing which surprised me as I was wearing new white suit ,and I dint like people throwing colours at me ,in fact water not even colours !!!Then when thedurga ji’s  idol is being submerged it is said that its lucky to have some thing from godess ,I was given  that chakra which durga jee was holding ,and I was happy to have that,it was emotional but I had no clue why???

Lot of other things I had been part of poila baisakh-bengla new year ,because of the advertising back ground I have made lot of print ads for it and have also spend extra working hour for  the gate design at pandal along with hoarding and banner ,so lot of research was done  ..Then     Laxmi Puja after Diwali night I guess !!!

OOOhhh everything appears so close and so distant at same time, few cultural classy nights,

When I was living it I wasn’t too comfortable but this year I am gonna miss it.

Once Upon a time I hated Calcutta like anything for some personal reasons I wanted it to disappear from India’s map but not now ,because now I wanna face everything that once scared me or  made me upset ,now I wanna see that peaceful sea ,without waves ,I wanna walk in those narrow lanes even if it is dirty or smalls fish ,because even I dint realize …when  did I get use to that smell which once irritated me enough to vomit .

Some small rules which I often broke –like No rice eating  on bed ,and few more  wud edit when I recollect ,that potato wafer sabjee –known as chichudee,That reminds me of sudip’s nani as she was the one who made me eat it first time,That kali dal aunty makes ( i mean arpita’s mom and she  looks awe sum beautiful  dignified women  without a tinge of makeup  ) .without much specific reason I had been close to it and so close that I almost forgot there is diference between being close and being part of it..

The language I understand well,but never ever tried speaking sometime hated sometime loved but was in it always .The Particular essence of house  Lil boring non spicy food too which now I m use to and even started relishing that ,what once I called –weird combo –Rice with boiled kacha papita mixed with mustard oil n salt …then rice with salad (no idea what was that some uncooked  beans and vegetables ) and above all THE GREEN TEA ,

Its not about one person affect ,I have lived with this culture for almost ten years since I met my neighbours then friends then few acquaintances, most of my colleagues …that’s why I say some karmic thing ,I have seen observed and silently learned ,the food habits and the taste bud,tea with very less milk ( I was shocked to see partho using two spoon of milk for two cup of tea )and then I am an expert in makig tea with less milk , but I loved brunch of ohh !!calcutta at Nehru place

Arpita ,Raja,simple (sorry arpu don’t kill me for writing ur name next to mr 404 but I was going in sequence  ) sanchita,sudeep,devraj,silky ,priya,chetan ,amit any many more last one partho . and now the lil one’s ayan,mini ,anu ,aparna

they all contributed to my knowledge and made me very much part of it ,I have learned a lot while their conversation with each other and ignoring me completely …few  dialogues which were constantly repeated – aami chatee jaachi , tumi amar kotha keno bojho na. by Raja ..then tumi casual howa kobe bondo korbe life e  by partho , abar tumi eshe gacho, aar ki chai?  by devraj ......ami pore phone korbo ekhun ektu buzy achi….tui .kothay,aadike bosh …e.t.c few of the lines I m used too …or I was use too …..finally  aami aktu aktu bangle jane 

      People often get confused with my name that I am bengoli ,and few by face though I personally don’t feel by looks i any how  can be confused as that.what ever it is but its close to me ,and I am close to it ….

Emotionalism is no crime :)

P.S- This is for all those who thinks  being emotional is  silly and out of fashion in todays world.Being practical is what takes you to top .I  disagree ,because I love my tears  along with my smile ….and its your feeling and emotion only which gives you reason to be human ,,proud to be emotional girl   .

Have you?????

Did you ever experience, someone’s palm on your forhead, while you are in mid of sleep?

Did you ever come across a bright morning when with your half opened eyes you see a smiling face lovingly looking at you?

Did you feel the warmth in your heart when you get your morning tea in bed?

Do you know the joy of holding hand secretly??

Do you know all your worries can come to an end just by a real tight hug?

Do you know some sweet nothing whispering  can makes your day?

Have you ever experienced surprise kiss in mid of serious discussion,

At times someone’s presence is just enough to give adequate strength ,to fight out odds of life,

Have you ever stopped and slowed down your walk, to walk with some one who was walking behind you since long ?

Did you ever think of giving back that “priceless gift “of true feelings that u kept getting from people who really loved you?

If you don’t experience pain, you can never know joy of smile

There is no fun in being” Emotionally unavailable “

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