Refresh angle

    Sometimes loss of meaningful conversation makes you biased in your perception .even while encountering reality we tend to close our Eyes. I admit It has been unfair on my part to favor on basis of gender through my writing  . i realized feelings are not dependent on being a male or female its individuality that ,matters ..not the softness of hand but softness of heart matters!!!!

Truth is not always what you want to hear, it not always bitter too

Tears not always mean misery

Silence not always means “YES”

Feminity not always means liking babies or flowers

Love happens once is “out of course”

Being lonely can be a choice

Best support system not necessarily means opposite sex

Thinking of some one doesn’t necessarily mean missing that some one

Moving on doesn’t always mean moving Away

There is always  an  exception to  rules 

  Thinking while driving can be” injurious to health” but who cares

Often injurious things allure. And  strange connection thread takes you from one end of corner to other...not always serious discussions can be meaningful but at times the most craziest talk brings out the fact that lived deep inside you and you didn’t even realize that even this is one of yours shade. We Human being  are mystry.we keep on living with a fixed thought for us  and some one suddenly comes and shakes our world and make us surprise bcz of  his/her presence oozes out a part of us even we were un known ,sometime positive sometime negative . ..Unnamed Relationship are best..cauz they don’t demand…

refresh mind  sees new angle .

you care to listen because the person has no vested interest in you .

Most of what I pen down  is my observation around me they take me to different world of contradictions  and I just put down  all I have in my clumsy  mind, not always there is solution but there are different strings  attached to it ..Modern world is an expensive place to stay in all prospective .

 Endless lies we tell our self .and we even convince  that its not lie …as per us  life has made us very strong and practical .with previous experiences ,of course it did .but you know what - every time we are hurt again it pains similar as first time , we may learn to be less expressive about it but pain doesn’t lower down ever …every broken relationship breaks a lil part within us, never to be healed again its like suppose your knee cap gets broken it is replaced  by the new artificial organ .it  fits in well and works better then Real . but you know its not real. similarily  that broken part within you  learns to function but   that vacuum is always there .we gotta accept it …

Habit of blaming our self for whatever goes wrong in our relationship with second person .and come up with solace line that I deserved it, I am too difficult, too complicated  ,he/she tried but I couldn’t handle ,or I acted weird . it so because we don’t want that person to be called wrong even to our self because that soul is so special to us that we choose  not to  see his/her side wrong and to justify that we take all the blame on our head ,

Often we think what we could have done to ease the situation, but not what she/he could have done .we say the other person tried but never realize that we almost killed our self to make it work but no body bothered even to notice it. Our reactions mattered not their actions

 Long time back some one said to me ,hearing No is not easy ,you need to have big heart to take no  to which i replied even saying "No is not easy" . But now i say  saying NO is not  fun but hearing NO is absolutely  not done  .handling rejection is just not easy .two letters N and O changes your life depends on which side of table you  are, receiving end or giving side …

If some one wants to go, Let him/her.And know it, there was no strength in your bonding, better now then later ,

you might stop the tear at eye corner or edge but cant control your mind  not flashback

Those” sweet Lines” which dragged you to get close when you had no such intention !

Those eyes which expressed immense love and  same pair of eye shows disgust

 Who never stopped from complimenting you now only knows your worst.

.Moving out turns so difficult since you had submerged yourself so deep in it ..You trusted those eyes those words and more over you believed in the word FOREVER.. lol thinking of this word I cant help giving a sarcastically smile …and lil beap J

The eyes which desperately use to search you, now avoids to look at you

One who followed you now changes his way if by chance sees you

To whom you meant the world, now you are out of his world

And you don’t even know why

Pain is not being abandoned pain is not knowing the reason specially from the one who knows your weakness about it

At times old conversation makes you smile and suddenly tiptoed feeling of humiliation comes it feels like you have been mocked upon and then suddenly “miss goodness” prevails and says “No No he/she hasn’t changed his /her situations made him do it .once agin my favourite dialog “ one who loves you truly would do anything to get you ,irrespective of any situation and circumstances “ never make way for any one to return ..let the other person do it…

At times we all come across a  situation when we need a push to move ahead because we want to but we are not able to.lil push  can help us move  away if not move on ..

Worst is when you go blank with your dreams ,that is when you know yourdreams but cant see any one who can fit in that dreams and you find yourself  unfit for anyone’s dream…..

Its not about being a man or a woman ….it can is the one who has loved more

Because my theory says love is never equal on both sides …its always more at one end

So who has more would suffer more J

Because that lilleftover that stays

Often tickles ,disturbs, engulfs  : your  NOW 

Just a thought

“There is nothing called one sided in life," once over heard someone saying it  ...but  just a question pops up in my mind …does two sided guarantees positive result always ? No it does not.

This thing called feelings, emotion can never be equal at both ends, and it’s always more at one end and less at other…at different time, different situations…may be position keeps shuffling ...

The one thing that you really really want from life often comes at wrong time

And then we just don’t know .how to let it go…knowing it has to go.

All relationship could be much happier if we love each other rather then “own” each other. Why do all relationship turn into Game of controlling each others life when in the beginning we were ready to give so much of space …..This is not love...This is death of love…most of the time we do things to prove a point to others …and to ourself ..in the process we never get to know what really our strength are and what we ought to do …..

Being alone is not such a bad thing, if the alternative is compromising on your values, principal happiness; integrity .Loneliness is just a minor aberration.

We need to know “you will find some one who will care for you are,the way you want “

You don’t have to change yourself to get loved .stay who you are.dont apply shortcuts .Shortcuts  never gain long term result …while turning the pages of morning newspaper ,my eyes stuck on  an article in” Times of India”, which says “ Men don’t want to give the truth .They cant face the fact “ I completely  disagree .if a woman had so much intuition wouldn’t she know that the guy was just not that into her, wouldn’t she realize after her friends telling her so ?why do so many women ask for truth when truth is staring at them right in face ?it’s probably because women need to hear it, from him .The man she has given her heart to.  ,the real reason .she want to hear him say the word “I don’t love you” We can never have a future “ and how many guys have actually said that ?none because they always want to leave the window of opportunity open for what if ? that’s the reason that a women remains shattered over a break up for longer period of time than men .Men don’t need Explanation .They think it wasn’t meant to be “and have another glass of beer and go back to working on their excel sheet in the morning .

When your Expectations are not met, you want a change .but what if you change your expectation?then you just might be happy .why do we all wait for some one else to come and bring happiness our life ,happiness is a state of mind …..no doubt sense of belonging does beautiful thing to human being : it makes him human …nothing good happens in life without sincerity .as long as one tries to eep each other happy nothing can come in between a relationship ..one is really blessed if he/she attains it .

Its really easy to paint people in White or  Black .But life is not that simple .i Personally feel that we cannot judge people unless we step into their shoe and unless we really understand their psyche .But certain relationship are doomed .They are meant to give agony and pain nothing else .usually these relationship cant be defined ,hence they don’t have a name .They are just destined .I mean that’s how accidents happen and you meet wrong people …..

Becoming man and wife is common but to become soul mate is  what few acquire …the girl has to come out of the mode of being pampered  and baby sat as genrally we girls are use to …..at times becoming a woman is required to maintain your relationship with adequate maturity and yet not being boring …at times we keep hurting each other with lot of innocence .Good bye are never easy ....making it takes time ..there is always some thing special in begining of everything ..make it stay ...make it work ..dont let it go ....stop it before you regret .......

P.S  – I am essentially a dreamer ….it feels bad to see my close one’s in pain. seeing lot of people facing  relationship trauma  and killing their relationship in silent estrangement.. made me  come out with not so logically connected piece of writting  …..might be it is not logically connected ….and goes astray …

                                                           .

There was Exit

I was hanging alone,falling from Distance

To a place ,I dint knew

Every thing was moving ,and I had no place to go

World of Sadness,I choose to explore

Wanted to know how dense it can be ,that it dared to break me to this core

Why I was not able to fight ,irrespective of being Right

It was dark steep street

With stinking narrow lanes

Every way I turned,I sawanother huge wall

Darkness literally haunted my soul

My life seemed dead,when I felt salty water over My eye’s edge

Those tears made my way blurred

I slipped,I flipped,,I even crawled

But did not allow me even once to fall

Moving ahead I felt blood less: lonely and lost

I collapsed with Grief

Thatended my peace

Negativity came from back and stabbed my back

But could not destroy strength of my heart

Bythe time I got free from its clutches

Diabolically ,Depression entered

And held my feet

I felt out of the way  and wrong

I couldnot judge ,who  was genuine ,and who was cheating me on

My blues gotdark

My pain was acute

Bad words they spoke ,kept spinning y world

Felt broken down I body ached

Cuffed to a pole ,I tried surging on the path of evil

I  was grisly terrified

“when there was entry, how could be there no exit space”

This thought made me strong,though  i was bleeding but I felt some energy on

Looked around ferociously

And I knew this fact

That I wont give up on my smile

Since no one is worth my precious life

I fought with my inner demons

Though they were quite strong

They tried making me cry

I closed my eye

I could not kill them but wounded them 

Not allowing them to attack me while I was moving on

I am out,the journey was nasty

May  be life takes me there againbut I wil know its not  forever…its not the end….

happiness and Peace  is yet to come …

UNKNOWN FEAR!!!!

The unknown Fear, the deadly silent Scare

Few in light, few in shades and rest unknown

Some unheard shrill voice No let me call it “Drumming Noise’

Walking!!!Yet afraid to fall…oh plz I don’t want to crawl!!

Squinting my eyes, to not to see but

Trails of past …stalking….the gush of dust keep confusing

With provocation of past, scars may bleed again

Sleeping is scary...bad dreams may twirl in...

What’s inside the dark, I can’t see, but can smell the blood

Who is behind the curtain? Staring point blank at me

Who is that man in black? Why his eyes are red and wet? Where his smile is lost?

Tree of tomorrow is unknown,…its leaves are yet to grow!!!

Legs are shaking, dreams are breaking, and hopes are falling

Planning often fails, even goals get changed

Let’s close the eyes,

And I see a demon standing with a dragger

I ask “has the doom’s say “arrived”??

Afraid, yes I am

Yes “stupidity “ “Anger” and ‘Greed “ made their way some how in my life again

Alas!!! I accept the punishment ….. put the Dragger on my head

Separate it from Torso, let the alter be red…blood red….pure …red

I am ready, just one thought…

Once I am dead ……who is next????

         

War with life

What is that, that keep us going??

What is that, that keep us strong?

 How do we all smile? When burden in heart constantly pull us down

Artificial giggling with add on magic of different style…then we all say “I love my life “

At times, dying hopes, with never ending explosion of heart strokes

Pressure from all ends...Trying trying...From all sides

What tomorrow holds, no one knows

Strange blockage comes from most unexpected poles

How do we handle these heart breaks?

How do we handle stress of life ?

What make us that strong….that life and its complication becomes guest of “B town “

Are we actually that strong?

Whether is hike in petrol price or you just spotted your girl friend with your best friend at sea side

The riddle talk of new client or wife demands more time….

The frown, the sighs ….empty heart make more noise

Only questions and realizations..No solutions, no answers,

Every thing moves on…yes...it moves on

We all   get tired .then  ...we sit. And .we crib

but then stand …. And say   life “shoot “we too are ready to fire!!!!

                                 Completely not connecting -NO LOGIC NO SENESE

                                 

I meet new ppl, who are good and interesting, but I am so damn stubborn in my heart that if they are over caring I find them boring and if they show attitude I find them rude  . The Exit gets easy, if you know the other person doesn’t want you to stay. Who the hell want to live in past ,but its not always what we want ,its more of what it is,  Does any one know the medicine to get out of past,i need to know all the why 's of my life ....it helps me solve the puzzle easily ,i am well aware of the fact that even if by magic wand i take all the people back to same place and time ,they wont be behaving same ,what they i wont be behaving same ,nothing is left ,and who knows i am the first person to say nahhh its better now...at times it looks like my zidd to myself cauz i never bother anyone else ,new people know me so much different then old ,and which version is true even i dont know 

                                                       I am diseased now I am convinced , bcz though I terribly want ,but I m not able to stop roaming in past lanes  and this frustrates me further ,how can u walk when you know there is no end to it ,and you wont get anything  ….this is not done ,I am being unfair to me   it feels so bad to c ppl who were walking with me have gone far ahead ,and I m still in nothing ,lost all I gathered , in one go. I don’t cry anymore once more I m hurt  again I smile as if I knew that’s goanna happen  , I know it all ,still finally a girl wud remain girl .i know many girls of my kind they just don’t express ,and I am born expressive cant help it ,if I m not wrong ,I m not afraid ,today my lines are not making sense even to me ,they are not connecting ,but coming from heart, so  I am  just writing down ,I know the fact ,accepted the fact ,moved on to but what stop me is- not being with u is fine ,but being  with someone else hurts ,and I go to wicked mode .ghost of past disturbs my future ..my delustional world needs to be locked up . i am so different with different people ,my reactions are so differnt sifferent time,

                                    My carrier, my confidence,my abilities  all needs to be brushed up ,I have to make a start ,its getting late .i am bored of same names ,same games and same pain,oh plz I wish it was that simple ,I am happy about my life the way it is ,but when someone tries to fast forward it I get afraid , I am afraid of tomorrow ,I can take care of now .i hate being supported ,I never needed any shoulder to cry ,when I am strong I am ,and when go emotional I drown,when it comes to give support I can give it to anyone ,when it is about taking support I don’t believe anyone ,I don’t think anyone can understand my position and my mind ,people genralise when they support,I am not common ,I am  different ,I am unfair ,I am special,I cant harm u but I might think bad about you .Thats me I can reject you,but I wont take rejection from you ,,....atleast i have guts to say what i feel ......i am modest not diplomat and above all i love what  i am truly ...no regrets ......4 what isaid what did ,it was meant to be ,i have power to face reality ,being fake is what irritetes me ,if you arebad its ok but if you are fake i m unsure how rude i can be,.......at times you trust some one so much that even their misdeeds which u can see clearly ,u tend to avoid like kahekahe vishwaas itna jyada hota hai ke shaq ke liye jagah he nahe bante ,i just ignore to hear what i dont like ...letthe hell it be reality i dont care ...

I am not into it, but it is into me

It’s like many offer letter in hand but no appointment letter, lolzzz 

May be some karmic reasons but since last ten years I had been deep neck submerged in this culture ,I don’t even know when and how I slipped and have stated considering me part of it .

On a Whole I am not die hard fan of Bengali culture ,but at times its not about liking or disliking something at the end it’s about Habit ,its about being use to its about knowing about it ..

The Big Red round Bindi, broad red border cotton saree big and beautiful eyes ,with sharp mind ,and yes the thick red sindoor again adds to beauty of those newly wed married women and crazy evolved ,extrovert and feminist girls ,mostly talented too,

In most of the families atleast one person is good in  one of the following,singing,dancing,musical instrument or some other thing related to cultural aspect..

During  Durga puja ambience of city changes magically the air carries an incense ,a purity and refreshes the mind ..those small small rituals ,like puspanjali,half day fast (coutsey miss Arpita)and many more,all women  decked up as if walking on ramp instead of Pandal ,loud and expressive

 The beautiful mesmerizing and wonderful idols all over the country.They are famous for skilled and traditional way in which they are created .The basic rule to be followed is that everything to be used should come from sacred water body .The clay artisian  work hard for severel month to create the wonderful idols and images of godess durga at the festival time .The bamboo sticka are used to make internal structure of idol and provides it a basic shape .Then the structure is made using straw and jute ropes and strings to keep it in place ,

most of the mothers busy in match making ,and checking out girls and boys ,

The special taste of that Prasad called BHOG –amazing khichri and other dishes,I just loved it ,admirable idol of durga ji and other gods standing with her, there is some story why other god are there …I was told by Partho’s mom but in bengoli so I hardly understood though he translated later . ,That dance with fire in hand ,some orchestra playing bengoli music and few fat women dancing as if lost completely !!!

That shanti jal to be sprinkled in house at night after the visarjan is done , Since last two years I got chance to be at visarjan  , holi kinda thing which surprised me as I was wearing new white suit ,and I dint like people throwing colours at me ,in fact water not even colours !!!Then when thedurga ji’s  idol is being submerged it is said that its lucky to have some thing from godess ,I was given  that chakra which durga jee was holding ,and I was happy to have that,it was emotional but I had no clue why???

Lot of other things I had been part of poila baisakh-bengla new year ,because of the advertising back ground I have made lot of print ads for it and have also spend extra working hour for  the gate design at pandal along with hoarding and banner ,so lot of research was done  ..Then     Laxmi Puja after Diwali night I guess !!!

OOOhhh everything appears so close and so distant at same time, few cultural classy nights,

When I was living it I wasn’t too comfortable but this year I am gonna miss it.

Once Upon a time I hated Calcutta like anything for some personal reasons I wanted it to disappear from India’s map but not now ,because now I wanna face everything that once scared me or  made me upset ,now I wanna see that peaceful sea ,without waves ,I wanna walk in those narrow lanes even if it is dirty or smalls fish ,because even I dint realize …when  did I get use to that smell which once irritated me enough to vomit .

Some small rules which I often broke –like No rice eating  on bed ,and few more  wud edit when I recollect ,that potato wafer sabjee –known as chichudee,That reminds me of sudip’s nani as she was the one who made me eat it first time,That kali dal aunty makes ( i mean arpita’s mom and she  looks awe sum beautiful  dignified women  without a tinge of makeup  ) .without much specific reason I had been close to it and so close that I almost forgot there is diference between being close and being part of it..

The language I understand well,but never ever tried speaking sometime hated sometime loved but was in it always .The Particular essence of house  Lil boring non spicy food too which now I m use to and even started relishing that ,what once I called –weird combo –Rice with boiled kacha papita mixed with mustard oil n salt …then rice with salad (no idea what was that some uncooked  beans and vegetables ) and above all THE GREEN TEA ,

Its not about one person affect ,I have lived with this culture for almost ten years since I met my neighbours then friends then few acquaintances, most of my colleagues …that’s why I say some karmic thing ,I have seen observed and silently learned ,the food habits and the taste bud,tea with very less milk ( I was shocked to see partho using two spoon of milk for two cup of tea )and then I am an expert in makig tea with less milk , but I loved brunch of ohh !!calcutta at Nehru place

Arpita ,Raja,simple (sorry arpu don’t kill me for writing ur name next to mr 404 but I was going in sequence  ) sanchita,sudeep,devraj,silky ,priya,chetan ,amit any many more last one partho . and now the lil one’s ayan,mini ,anu ,aparna

they all contributed to my knowledge and made me very much part of it ,I have learned a lot while their conversation with each other and ignoring me completely …few  dialogues which were constantly repeated – aami chatee jaachi , tumi amar kotha keno bojho na. by Raja ..then tumi casual howa kobe bondo korbe life e  by partho , abar tumi eshe gacho, aar ki chai?  by devraj ......ami pore phone korbo ekhun ektu buzy achi….tui .kothay,aadike bosh …e.t.c few of the lines I m used too …or I was use too …..finally  aami aktu aktu bangle jane 

      People often get confused with my name that I am bengoli ,and few by face though I personally don’t feel by looks i any how  can be confused as that.what ever it is but its close to me ,and I am close to it ….